In talking with a friend recently, they expressed that their view of me was that “being so committed” to what I do was natural or easy. It isn’t. I have only be committed to something (other than video games when I was younger) for the last few years. Underneath all of that is still 20+ years of laziness, procrastination and self- doubt, the symptoms of being repeatedly perceived and treated as though I was not good enough by most of my education authorities my entire school career.
I wake everyday with varying degrees of flatness, questioning whether or not this is what I should be doing, or whether it’s a better idea to just stay in bed. To overcome to latter takes some serious gusto for me. This is just to get out of bed, then there is the ego resistance of exercise, meditation and then my writing practice before my other daily tasks. Essentially, what I am saying here is that I need to motivate myself, I need to intentionally engineer how I show up to my life. It is on me to motivate myself because I can’t consistently rely on someone else to do it for me and it doesn’t come naturally to my preconditioned ego constructs of ‘you’re not good enough, might as well say “fuck it” in advance’. Sometimes in order to get this motivation going I set the bar too high and end up coming down on myself for not excelling every single day. Between the struggle to push past faulty conditioning and evade detrimental self-policing, there is a sweet spot, and when I hit it, something beautiful happens.
It is in these brief moments of beauty that I tap the vein of the life I want to live, the state of being I want to cultivate, the place from which I want to live, create, give my gift, inspire, be inspired; thrive. It is this vein that I attempt to align myself when I am pushing through the haze early morning patterns and the almost inevitable ‘defeated before I began’ mentality. This is because when I align myself to the emotional elements of this beauty and offer gratitude for the opportunity for it to emerge in my life without expectation of its arrival, I am cultivating the life I want to live by learning how to push through and beyond the patterns holding it back.