Memories Of Ayahuasca

Today I am microdosing LSD.

I am activated, my energetic body alive and awake, sensitive to what happens around me. I thought perhaps that being here in a café would be a good place to focus and attend to my writing and although it is, I have also chosen to listen to music that includes icaros.

Memories of ayahuasca arise, the feeling tone they echo in my soul is alive in me and now I’m sitting here immersed the presence of vulnerability and sadness.

I feel the pending swell of fear that has in the past threatened to sweep me away from myself and into a painful hell I can see no escape from. But, here now, somehow, the tender pain emerging in my heart is a blessing.

Although ayahuasca intimidates me and I have no inclination to deify it, somehow today its memory feels like the warm safe arms of a cosmic mother whose very touch tells my body it’s ok to let go; it’s ok to feel what’s true:

a clustering storm of all the suffering pain hurt fear sadness and grief and all the other darkness I, and all those I care about have passed through is a reason for a profound gratitude for being alive.

My soul prostrates to reality and I breathe the full emotional presence of humanity and I hurt and I know that because I hurt I am alive and life is a gift.

For in the midst of all that I have suffered through I have also come to know love and joy and I couldn’t have had them without the suffering of life and so I pray and cry with gratitude for the suffering.

I thank for all that it has shown me about what it means to be vulnerable enough to allow love, true deep powerful love, and to have shared it; to know that I love and that I have never, nor will I ever love alone, even when I am by myself.

***This blog was written in May 2017
***Featured photo is from Peru, 2014